I can't sleep. I would have gotten this blog article done in advance, instead of doing it in the middle of night night, except I was kind of distracted. I've been having a general dissatisfaction with life and a deep depression, but if I'm honest, it's gotten a lot more specific than that tonight. It's not just that I didn't put an extra effort into celebrating and advocating Women's Day, as I've been such a fierce feminist in the past. It's also not only that I live in a state where Bernie Sanders, the hopeful champion of socialist democrats, lost the primary to Biden. I normally don't want to go into my religious and political beliefs as a public figure, but fuck, they're such a big part of me. And, no, it got even deeper than that tonight. You see, I chose to release this album on the birthday of someone very dear to me, yet we don't seem to be that close anymore. But that doesn't change what they mean to me, and what they reflect of my past life. And I have to tell you, I have some regrets.
My best friend is a female-to-male transexual, and I have no idea what their gender identification is now, but their questioning of gender and exploration of sexual identity had a huge impact on me in my formative years. It led me to question my own gender and realize that, yes, my inner self is most often reflected to myself as female. This led to the creation of the written and stage persona The Lady anoNYMous, whom I was able to perform as in a sleek dress, high heels, and make up in Portland, Oregon, as an advocate of gender awareness and sexual identity. I took to identifying under female pronouns at all times, realizing that, in Portland,, I lived in a place where I was free to present and identify myself as I wished. I didn't have to undergo hormone therapy or sex reassignment surgeries to be a "lady," but I could be the lady that I wished to be. It was understood and respected. I was still pretty "butch" in my flannel, Carhartts, and combat boots, but there was no question in my community that I was a girl, a woman, a lady, and a queen. I was just the "bearded lady" - another freak in a community that understood what it's like to be a freak.
I now live in Central Missouri, where just being an out gay man is tough. I have come to recognize myself as a gay man as well as a transgender woman flirting with bisexuality, so I guess you might call me bigendered. I am flattered when people call me by female pronouns, but understand when they call me male. As to whether I'm interested in men or women, well, I love them both, but have to say my sexual orientation leans toward men. And this is all perhaps more than you'd rather know about me, but let me just say this: my music is a way for me to lay my soul bare, and although it is largely instrumental, it is still a reflection of my identity and my experiences; my struggles and my triumphs.
I mentioned a best friend earlier, who I am now estranged from. They played a huge part in who I've been and who I've become, and now it feels as though a part of my soul is missing. It's confusing. I'll forever identity this person as a soul mate, but we are no longer connected. It's their birthday today. That's why I release EPs and albums on Match 12th. This one very special person who has left a hole in me. I know I normally go through an album's specifics and touch base on each of the songs, but in this case, Edges sort of turned out to be about all our shared history, without me realizing it until tonight when I couldn't sleep.
Each song can be interpreted as a secret you carry with you, or a way you try to liberate and express yourself. It's about exploring your identify and the ways it can cut you to the bone or cut away veils and disguises. From the "Little Boxes" we find ourselves in, with the "Dark Passenger" we carry with us, to the "Beautiful Liar" we become, in a way this album is all about identity. On a more personal level, it's me trying to come back to my identity after almost being pushed back into the closet by rural Missouri. I mean, I just went on my first date in three years, and it was with a closeted pastor who's also the town hermit. He doesn't let anyone know who he really is. Even in this more open-minded day and age, this is not uncommon. I won't be repressed like this. If you want to bother to get to know me, and that also means through my music, then that means understanding I am as queer as an Armistead Maupin character...because us characters are real.
I'm proud to be an openly-gay musician and public figure. But not just gay. Queer. If you squint at me just right, I'm LGBT and Q. I've been hearing a lot of talk on Christian-oriented YouTube lately about how we're threatening the downfall of society. Particularly by a very angry man named Lance Walnau who would have you believe that Donald Trump is the second coming and that the socialist direction our culture is taking is DOOM, and that Trump is the only man who can save us from ourselves. But I think what's really going to save us if we all learn to see each other across a spectrum as fellow humans instead of across a dividing line.
This is how I honor my old friend. By letting them know they didn't exactly change me, but offered me a key to understanding who I was, and that I continue to explore myself with them in my heart. The edges are fine, and they can cut, but they can open doorways. And we've always lived in on the edges of society, teetering on taboo subjects that threatened to split us in half or cut us off from our families and peers. But in my experience, you don't ascend in your knowledge of self if you don't risk getting cut. We may have been cut asunder, my love, but you'll always be a part of me and mean the world to me. Happy birthday.
Edges is now available at YouTube and YouTube Music, Spotify, Google Play, Apple Music and iTunes, Amazon, Deezer, iHeartRadio, Napster, Pandora, and TIDAL. If you'd like to directly support me and my art, consider buying a song or two - or the album - at my Bandcamp store. Purchases include high-quality downloads, from standard MP3 to HD lossless audio, and unlimited streaming on Bandcamp and the free Bandcamp app.
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