It's been a long while since I've posted to this blog, and for that I sincerely apologize. My only excuse is that my life at Lazarus Ministries was very busy, hard, and full of ups and downs. When I felt like working on music, it was all about making music itself, with not much time or energy being spent toward promoting it. But if you want to keep most current with my artistic endeavors, and with my life in general (there gets to be a little personal BSing in my pushes) you should really follow my
Facebook or
Twitter. I'm not even that rigorous about keeping my email list up-to-date. So try and keep an eye in that direction, if you want to see more of me and what I do. And I've been doing quite a lot! Though this blog hasn't been updated in a while, I've published two EPs and a full-length album in the past four months, and I'm closing in on a Solstice release for my next full-length. I've been a pretty active songwriter in my journey into sobriety and the "outside world." I was half-forced, and half jumped-into, a lot of responsibilities and activities outside of my comfort zone, chief among them being a taxi service and Older Brother for Lazarus. This meant keeping an eye on the houses and their inhabitants, observing policy on sobriety, chores, food, and rent, and seeing to it to the best of my ability that sixteen guys' needs were met. My off-time was spent writing the entirety of
A Different Kind of Warrior and then some. I was getting pretty into the swing of balancing it all, too, and then...life happened.
I met somebody! It happened on the gay hook-up app Adam 4 Adam, as I explored what Joplin might have to offer in the way of queer community. Honestly, I don't think a hook-up app was the best way for actually meeting people, let alone getting to know them, but one handsome, older, Native gentleman with gorgeous hair and bright blue eyes actually responded to my advances by taking me out on an actual date to a restaurant for dinner and conversation. We hung out in the back of his pickup and I let him listen to some of my music. We had a pretty passionate kiss good night...followed by another...and another. Well, I let out a whoop of joy and thanked God out loud (I was getting really behind this God thing, the power of prayer, giving it all up to the universe, letting things unfold as they may), and I started seeing this gentleman every week, and eventually for overnight visits as well. I should point out that fornication is frowned upon and abstinence promoted by Lazarus. This is a case where I broke away from policy.
During this time I came out to a few of the guys at Lazarus, and was well-received and well-treated by all who knew. And those who knew, knew about the boyfriend and the overnights at his little farm in northwest Arkansas. It became generally assumed that I would graduate the program and then move in with him. Actually, I wanted to do things at a slower pace than that. I wanted to stay in the program and run a house (they had moved me into a real house!) for a few months after graduation, and work my way toward getting my own apartment in Fayetteville, about a half-hour drive from the farm. Closer, but with some independence. This wasn't to be the case though.
But did I mention they moved me to a real house! I mean, it's kind of like two houses divided by the chapel, but my side of the house only had three other people living in it, so it was more like the houseshare situations I lived in in Portland. About the time I moved into this house, I reflected on how well "Feckless" from Mythic Migrations translated to a "Naked" version, and on how well its opening song "Corvid" was doing on the radio and in streaming stats. I thought, "Corvid" would do really well in the "Naked" format, and when it turned out beautifully, I moved on to "Canter." "Canter" was a much more intensive process, with some its electric guitar being needed to be translated to piano, and with more strings being recorded to compensate for the lack of synths in a couple of areas. But I loved the challenge, and challenged myself to do the entire EP. Most of this was accomplished in a single night: my first night at the new house, working in the chapel, making music for nearly eleven hours, from that evening to the wee hours of the next morning. I love how the Naked Migrations EP turned out. And during the process of recording new material and remixing and remastering over the next few days, I got my perfect roommate from the Treatment Center to move to the Chapel House with me, I had regular guys that I gave regular rides to and from work, and life seemed to start to stabilize.
Also at YouTube and YouTube Music, Spotify, Apple Music and iTunes, Amazon, Deezer, iHeartRadio, Napster, Pandora, and TIDAL.
And then another case of COVID-19 came to Lazarus. Actually, it was more like an outbreak: three people tested positive, and two houses had to be quarantined. I was staying with my lover, Joey, at the time, and Lazarus' make-it-up-as-we-go-along policy on COVID suggested that I just stay with him until the quarantine ended. My car, which was also my meal-ticket, also picked this time to kaput on me, with the transmission control module fortunately under recall, but still needing time to be assessed and replaced. So I stayed at the farm and released the songs I had written since A Different Kind Warrior with songs from Mythic Migrations and A Different Kind of Warrior on the album Reconcile. The Ministry of Reconciliation in the Bible really jumped out at me at the time, and I like the idea is that our life's work is to reconcile ourselves with God and be as Christ-like as possible. Even as I sit here with my time and the semi-arduous routine of Lazarus Ministries fading behind me, I have to admit the Jesus thing got in me quite a bit. I wouldn't say that I became Christian, but that I gained a new appreciation for and perspective on Christianity. I'd say Jesus Christ and I have a pretty friendly relationship these days. I pray, and I pray a lot. It's gotten me through some rough times. My step-dad tested positive for COVID around this time as well, and was in the ICU with pneumonia at eighty years old. He's at home and on oxygen now, but it was really intense for a few days.
I originally slated Naked Migrations and Reconcile for Halloween and Day of the Dead releases, respectively, but I did a special early release for Naked Migrations when a friend from Lazarus died, and I apparently missed the release date field when uploading Reconcile from Arkansas, because it started popping up everywhere the following day, so it has a different release date across the board at the various stores and streaming platforms. So I was forced to simultaneously promote Migrations and Reconcile from a farm outside of a small town on top of a large hill, with DISH Internet that comes and goes, literally, with the wind. I'll be so glad when we get high-speed here.
I wrote a lot of new material during the quarantine, and that was the jumping-off point for the new album, which I am calling Hunter's Ethics. After the quarantine, I really wasn't back at home that long (a couple of weeks?) before the wrong person in the program came sniffing around my Facebook. Not only did they discover that my profile identifies me as unapologetically queer, but my posts reveal that I've been staying with my boyfriend when I'm on my overnight stays away from the houses. It caused a minor scandal, with the director of the program calling me into his office to try to decide his policy on having an unrepentant homosexual in a faith-based, Christian program, when he believes God smote whole cities for this "abomination." It was also clear to him that I've been leading an active sex life, and sex before marriage is frowned upon in the program. He didn't want me out of the program, but... That was kind of left up in the air. I had this office meeting following a night when my perfect roommate stood me up as his ride home from work, and then never called or came home, so I was already emotionally wrought. Knowing that my not-so-secret sexual identity and romantic life were spreading among guys that have displayed some homophobia in the past, and that my future in the program was uncertain definitely added a lot of weight to my burdens that day. It was a rough one. I saw only one path forward in the program, which was to lie and say I'm trying to overcome my sexuality, and to stop seeing Joey. The alternative was moving in with him months before I was really ready. But I knew what I had to do to remain true to myself: with only a month left before graduating the program, I left Lazarus Ministries.
I had that taste of freedom before leaving Lazarus, but I really missed the structure, the routine, and some of the guys during some of the quarantine. Being back for a couple of weeks had started draining me really quickly, physically, emotionally, and financially. I felt as if the program were getting more out of me than I was from it. My roommate vanishing from the face of the Earth (he eventually did turn up) was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back. I had no fight left in me to combat religious homophobia as well. So I've returned to the farm. It's been an adjustment. I don't have my little taxi business anymore, so I'm broke all the time, and I don't have Bible studies and chores to do every day. I miss my church. I had adopted one before I left Joplin, Missouri for northwest Arkansas, for which I operated the sound board for the worship team. It was a pretty progressive church, with no outright political stance and never once preaching against homosexuality during my time there. I made a few friends. I miss them. But during the days when Joey's off work, he's always showing me more of the natural splendor of Arkansas, and the rest of my time has been filled with music. I have completed the album Hunter's Ethics and slated it for a Solstice release.
From the upcoming album Hunter's Ethics.
You could call this last round of EPs-and-album, since the release of Edges, really, the Lazarus Chapter of my music. It was almost all written in that program and during a time of sobriety, stress, and heightened emotional vulnerability. Now I feel like I'm returning to myself after being sentenced to Oz. I'm remembering what life used to be like, who I used to be, and I'm trying to find a new groove. Hopefully the upcoming album is just the first step on a new journey that will bring me even closer to myself, and my walk with the Creator.
I hope you all enjoy the new music, are excited about the music to come, and are having your own journeys of self-discovery and flirtation with the Divine. May your inner snails remain resilient and determined.
