It's been a long while since I've posted to this blog, and for that I sincerely apologize. My only excuse is that my life at Lazarus Ministries was very busy, hard, and full of ups and downs. When I felt like working on music, it was all about making music itself, with not much time or energy being spent toward promoting it. But if you want to keep most current with my artistic endeavors, and with my life in general (there gets to be a little personal BSing in my pushes) you should really follow my Facebook or Twitter. I'm not even that rigorous about keeping my email list up-to-date. So try and keep an eye in that direction, if you want to see more of me and what I do. And I've been doing quite a lot! Though this blog hasn't been updated in a while, I've published two EPs and a full-length album in the past four months, and I'm closing in on a Solstice release for my next full-length. I've been a pretty active songwriter in my journey into sobriety and the "outside world." I was half-forced, and half jumped-into, a lot of responsibilities and activities outside of my comfort zone, chief among them being a taxi service and Older Brother for Lazarus. This meant keeping an eye on the houses and their inhabitants, observing policy on sobriety, chores, food, and rent, and seeing to it to the best of my ability that sixteen guys' needs were met. My off-time was spent writing the entirety of A Different Kind of Warrior and then some. I was getting pretty into the swing of balancing it all, too, and then...life happened.
I met somebody! It happened on the gay hook-up app Adam 4 Adam, as I explored what Joplin might have to offer in the way of queer community. Honestly, I don't think a hook-up app was the best way for actually meeting people, let alone getting to know them, but one handsome, older, Native gentleman with gorgeous hair and bright blue eyes actually responded to my advances by taking me out on an actual date to a restaurant for dinner and conversation. We hung out in the back of his pickup and I let him listen to some of my music. We had a pretty passionate kiss good night...followed by another...and another. Well, I let out a whoop of joy and thanked God out loud (I was getting really behind this God thing, the power of prayer, giving it all up to the universe, letting things unfold as they may), and I started seeing this gentleman every week, and eventually for overnight visits as well. I should point out that fornication is frowned upon and abstinence promoted by Lazarus. This is a case where I broke away from policy.
During this time I came out to a few of the guys at Lazarus, and was well-received and well-treated by all who knew. And those who knew, knew about the boyfriend and the overnights at his little farm in northwest Arkansas. It became generally assumed that I would graduate the program and then move in with him. Actually, I wanted to do things at a slower pace than that. I wanted to stay in the program and run a house (they had moved me into a real house!) for a few months after graduation, and work my way toward getting my own apartment in Fayetteville, about a half-hour drive from the farm. Closer, but with some independence. This wasn't to be the case though.
But did I mention they moved me to a real house! I mean, it's kind of like two houses divided by the chapel, but my side of the house only had three other people living in it, so it was more like the houseshare situations I lived in in Portland. About the time I moved into this house, I reflected on how well "Feckless" from Mythic Migrations translated to a "Naked" version, and on how well its opening song "Corvid" was doing on the radio and in streaming stats. I thought, "Corvid" would do really well in the "Naked" format, and when it turned out beautifully, I moved on to "Canter." "Canter" was a much more intensive process, with some its electric guitar being needed to be translated to piano, and with more strings being recorded to compensate for the lack of synths in a couple of areas. But I loved the challenge, and challenged myself to do the entire EP. Most of this was accomplished in a single night: my first night at the new house, working in the chapel, making music for nearly eleven hours, from that evening to the wee hours of the next morning. I love how the Naked Migrations EP turned out. And during the process of recording new material and remixing and remastering over the next few days, I got my perfect roommate from the Treatment Center to move to the Chapel House with me, I had regular guys that I gave regular rides to and from work, and life seemed to start to stabilize.
And then another case of COVID-19 came to Lazarus. Actually, it was more like an outbreak: three people tested positive, and two houses had to be quarantined. I was staying with my lover, Joey, at the time, and Lazarus' make-it-up-as-we-go-along policy on COVID suggested that I just stay with him until the quarantine ended. My car, which was also my meal-ticket, also picked this time to kaput on me, with the transmission control module fortunately under recall, but still needing time to be assessed and replaced. So I stayed at the farm and released the songs I had written since A Different Kind Warrior with songs from Mythic Migrations and A Different Kind of Warrior on the album Reconcile. The Ministry of Reconciliation in the Bible really jumped out at me at the time, and I like the idea is that our life's work is to reconcile ourselves with God and be as Christ-like as possible. Even as I sit here with my time and the semi-arduous routine of Lazarus Ministries fading behind me, I have to admit the Jesus thing got in me quite a bit. I wouldn't say that I became Christian, but that I gained a new appreciation for and perspective on Christianity. I'd say Jesus Christ and I have a pretty friendly relationship these days. I pray, and I pray a lot. It's gotten me through some rough times. My step-dad tested positive for COVID around this time as well, and was in the ICU with pneumonia at eighty years old. He's at home and on oxygen now, but it was really intense for a few days.
I originally slated Naked Migrations and Reconcile for Halloween and Day of the Dead releases, respectively, but I did a special early release for Naked Migrations when a friend from Lazarus died, and I apparently missed the release date field when uploading Reconcile from Arkansas, because it started popping up everywhere the following day, so it has a different release date across the board at the various stores and streaming platforms. So I was forced to simultaneously promote Migrations and Reconcile from a farm outside of a small town on top of a large hill, with DISH Internet that comes and goes, literally, with the wind. I'll be so glad when we get high-speed here.
I wrote a lot of new material during the quarantine, and that was the jumping-off point for the new album, which I am calling Hunter's Ethics. After the quarantine, I really wasn't back at home that long (a couple of weeks?) before the wrong person in the program came sniffing around my Facebook. Not only did they discover that my profile identifies me as unapologetically queer, but my posts reveal that I've been staying with my boyfriend when I'm on my overnight stays away from the houses. It caused a minor scandal, with the director of the program calling me into his office to try to decide his policy on having an unrepentant homosexual in a faith-based, Christian program, when he believes God smote whole cities for this "abomination." It was also clear to him that I've been leading an active sex life, and sex before marriage is frowned upon in the program. He didn't want me out of the program, but... That was kind of left up in the air. I had this office meeting following a night when my perfect roommate stood me up as his ride home from work, and then never called or came home, so I was already emotionally wrought. Knowing that my not-so-secret sexual identity and romantic life were spreading among guys that have displayed some homophobia in the past, and that my future in the program was uncertain definitely added a lot of weight to my burdens that day. It was a rough one. I saw only one path forward in the program, which was to lie and say I'm trying to overcome my sexuality, and to stop seeing Joey. The alternative was moving in with him months before I was really ready. But I knew what I had to do to remain true to myself: with only a month left before graduating the program, I left Lazarus Ministries.
I had that taste of freedom before leaving Lazarus, but I really missed the structure, the routine, and some of the guys during some of the quarantine. Being back for a couple of weeks had started draining me really quickly, physically, emotionally, and financially. I felt as if the program were getting more out of me than I was from it. My roommate vanishing from the face of the Earth (he eventually did turn up) was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back. I had no fight left in me to combat religious homophobia as well. So I've returned to the farm. It's been an adjustment. I don't have my little taxi business anymore, so I'm broke all the time, and I don't have Bible studies and chores to do every day. I miss my church. I had adopted one before I left Joplin, Missouri for northwest Arkansas, for which I operated the sound board for the worship team. It was a pretty progressive church, with no outright political stance and never once preaching against homosexuality during my time there. I made a few friends. I miss them. But during the days when Joey's off work, he's always showing me more of the natural splendor of Arkansas, and the rest of my time has been filled with music. I have completed the album Hunter's Ethics and slated it for a Solstice release.
You could call this last round of EPs-and-album, since the release of Edges, really, the Lazarus Chapter of my music. It was almost all written in that program and during a time of sobriety, stress, and heightened emotional vulnerability. Now I feel like I'm returning to myself after being sentenced to Oz. I'm remembering what life used to be like, who I used to be, and I'm trying to find a new groove. Hopefully the upcoming album is just the first step on a new journey that will bring me even closer to myself, and my walk with the Creator.
I hope you all enjoy the new music, are excited about the music to come, and are having your own journeys of self-discovery and flirtation with the Divine. May your inner snails remain resilient and determined.
The quarantine on Lazarus House has been lifted! Not only that, I'm off my first thirty days of restriction, having been here five weeks now, with forty-five days alcohol-free. I have to say, yesterday was one of my roughest days yet. I don't know why, but after Bible study, I went back to bed and couldn't even convince myself to do my chores. I didn't feel like doing anything enjoyable, and I cried myself to sleep. When I woke, I still didn't feel like doing anything...except drinking. It was the hardest urge to manage yet, especially when not a single coping skill sounded tempting or like it would do the trick. So I just laid in bed and...managed. I rode it out, and I'm still sober, and now I have this NEW EP to present to you to keep me busy. The promotional circus and behind-the-scenes publishing should keep me busy for the next week. And hopefully I'll start writing more songs. I haven't written anything since "Luminous," and I might just concentrate on that as a single for now. Baby steps back into the songwriting business after taking such a long break. I'm thinking I'll send the song over to Zach Shattuck, the man behind the covers for "My Secret Life" and Black Leather and Sugarcane, and see if it inspires him. I'm in no hurry to release it, so I won't be pressuring him with deadlines this time, which he'll probably be thankful for.
As for this EP, it was a long time coming. You may have heard me talking about it as far back as last Winter. Ever since the successful experiment that was the "Naked" version of "Why Can't We Have Nice Things?" I've been trying to think up ways to make it a more accessible song, as part of a major release. Trying out other "Naked" versions of songs seemed like the appropriate way to go, but not many of my songs would actually successfully undergo the stripping-down process. I rely so much on my off-kilter beats, strange synths, and thrashing guitars. And I needed songs with a more classical-piano feel to them. While I've expanded my repertoire on those quite a bit in the last few albums, there's still a lot of guitar interruptions, and not all electric guitar can be successfully transferred to acoustic guitar. I did find a way around that that works pretty well in one song, at least: I translated the electric guitar interludes in "The First Time I Woke Up..." to bass-cleft piano, and I think it sounds rather amazing. That won't work in just any case, though, I discovered. It was kind of a fluke, but I'm extremely pleased with how the "Naked" version of "The First Time I Woke Up..." turned out.
"Familial Germs" was one of the first to get the stripped-down treatment, and I was really iffy on it for quite a while, and rearranged some of the instruments and added some bass strings and upright bass to a couple of sections to try and flesh it out better. But the more I worked on it, the more dissatisfied I was with it. It wasn't until I left it alone for weeks and then gave it another listen that I fell in love with it. There's a lot of golden instrumentation in the piano and strings in that song, and it really shines through without the encumbering beats and synths. So I'm very happy to include it here for you.
"Jade's Theme" already has an almost "Naked" version of it in the form of "Introducing... (Alternate III)," though there's some cello and extra piano complexity that makes "Jade's Theme" not "Introducing...". And it's amazing how different "Jade's Theme" sounds with the absence of a couple of synths and beats. I kept the electric piano as one of my exemptions from the "acoustic" rule (the other is a synth that winds up the end of "Why Can't We Have Nice Things?"). That electric piano is just too essential to the overall sound of the song. What I really did here was mash together "Introducing... (Alternate III)" and a version of "Jade's Theme" that "Cello Lesson" on Black Leather and Sugarcane is taken from, then stripped it of all but the strings, piano, and electric piano, then translated the ending to piano and electric piano instead of synths bouncing off each other.
"Little Boxes" lent itself quite easily to the "Naked" treatment. I considered keeping the warbling "theremin" synth like I did in the "Naked" version of "The Nocturnal Dervish," but it turned out to not really need it, especially after I composed a new bass line for the song. The bass with some acoustic guitar chords takes center stage nicely, providing some breaks from the piano and strings.
Finding other songs to fill out a seven-track order was not quite so easy. I actually tried stripping a few more songs than made it onto this EP that were decided failures. But sitting out in the studio, in the dark, I just kept plugging away at it, kept experimenting, and was surprised to find how well "Faceless Men" worked without its beats and guitar interludes, and how well "Feckless" worked without its muted guitar accompaniment. There was some rearranging to be done in "Faceless Men" to make it work, but "Feckless" was unexpectedly almost made for the acoustic treatment. And those two songs ended up bringing around the track number to seven - I had my EP!
I've had these songs sitting around waiting to be polished and arranged for months now, but my drinking, my relocation to Lazarus House, and my computer crash all interfered with getting it up off the ground. But now it's helped me to get through the COVID quarantine, and not everyone here did. Our numbers in the house have dwindled to less than half what we were when I got here, either from people moving out or getting kicked out. As was pointed out in Bible study this morning, being told you can't do something will really provoke that rebellious spirit. And some of the guys here tried to pass the time with drugs and conceal it. It's really unfortunate. People I was beginning to become really attached to have been kicked out of the program, or have left because they couldn't take the restrictions. But I'm still here, and I'm free to go where I will now, and my driving gigs will be picking up again soon. So I have some stuff to look forward to. Hopefully more music is a part of that future.
Until I get the ball rolling on some new music, I hope you enjoy this EP. Man, one night I was tossing and turning and feeling wretchedly awake, and then the urge to listen to this came over me. The results of the stripping-down process to expose the grace of the piano and strings is really quite relaxing, and though I made it all the way to the last song, I couldn't remember the EP ending, but became aware of the empty hiss in my headphones. As soon as I took them off, I rolled over and fell asleep. It worked beautifully, and I hope it offers some similar peace to you. You can find it at (links become highlighted as they become available) YouTube and YouTube Music, Spotify, Google Play, Apple Music and iTunes, Amazon, Deezer, iHeartRadio, Napster, Pandora, and TIDAL.
I guess this is a short one. My last article wasn't that long ago, and I filled you in on a lot with that one. I don't have a bonus song to share right now, but if you want to hear my latest song, visit the end of the previous article, and enjoy. I think I'll shoot Zach a message about a possible cover for a single right now. Until the next release or major life event, I hope your inner snails remain resilient and determined.
P.S. Okay, here's something cute I thought I could share as a little something extra. Baby Yoda wants to play "Vile Beast" from the album Edges, but the Mandalorian isn't having none of that.
Man, life has been full of a lot of disruptions and interruptions lately. I guess it began with my computer freaking out on me. Well, really, it started with COVID-19, but that seemed really distant at first, and not to affect the social recluse that I was terribly. So anyway, my mouse on my computer started going schizo, jumping all over the place and clicking on things at random, making it impossible to work. So I wasn't able to get this blog article done when I published Mythic Migrations. I was already late getting it started because I was beginning to drink heavily at the time. I think there was a little coronavirus influence there. Well, the computer had to be taken to the shop, and I just started drinking more to fill up the time I normally would have spent working. I wasn't even writing new songs. I still haven't been writing new songs. But I think I'm in a better place now.
But back then I was sneaking around drinking airplane shots of whiskey and hiding the empties in a drawer. The drawer was discovered. I was living with my mom and my step-dad, in what's supposed to be an alcohol-free zone. I tried to downplay it and promised I would get sober, but they started watching me like a hawk, and I started drinking more. I started buying whole fifths of Jim Beam instead of just little shot bottles. And I wasn't as clever at concealing it as I thought I was. So I kept getting caught time and again, and I even had a drunken meltdown or two, which didn't help my cause. It got to the point where I wore out my welcome in my parent's home. They gave me an ultimatum: either go to rehab, or be homeless.
Well, most of the rehabs are closed down or at very limited capacity due to COVID these days, so we had a hard time finding a place that would take me, but my Mom landed on a place called Lazarus House, which is a six-month religious program. I didn't like the sound of that at all. So on the night before they were going to take me, I decided to create a third option: I attempted to overdose on Ativan and Seroquel. Apparently, I didn't take enough, and I found myself in the closed psychiatric ward of Mercy Hospital in Joplin, Missouri. It wasn't so bad. They provided nicotine patches, my meds, an old Michael Crichton book I'd read a million times, and some group therapy sessions that were more like classes on coping skills. They had really good food, allowed my parents to bring me more books after I finished Sphere in two days. I ended up staying at Mercy for five days, and called around trying to find other rehabs that might take me. I called up the director of Lazarus House to get a clearer idea of his program, and he described a Bible camp for addicts, which made me even more desperate not to go there. On the day I was supposed to be discharged from Mercy, I had a panic attack and convinced them to let me stay just one more day. And then it was time to make a decision: go to Lazarus House, or the homeless shelters.
I chose Lazarus House. And despite the mandatory Bible studies at 5:30 every morning and two evenings a week, plus two church services on the weekends, and that I'm surrounded by homophobic religious nut-jobs, I like it better here than I thought I would. The gay jokes and casual use of the word "fag" used as a derogative really bothered me at first, but you know what? I grew up in McMinnville, OR, before my generation took it over, and it was a town where you were either religious or a meth addict, and everyone identified as a redneck. And I adapted and survived back then, learned how to be "one of the guys" and developed friendships, and now it's just time to draw on those old skills and to let the shit roll off of me. And I guess it's time to learn my Bible better. There is some wisdom to be found in there, some really uplifting passages, and some cool stories. I've long since quit looking at Christians as my enemy, so this isn't a "know your enemy" kind of thing. This is just gaining a better understanding of a culture that happens to be dominant in the area of the U.S. that I'm living in now. And the sober living aspect has been good for me. I've achieved thirty-seven days sober, as of today.
But life was once again interrupted, even in the midst of Lazarus House. This is kind of a joke of a rehab, really. There's no staff, no one with medical or psychiatric training, there's not even the Twelve Steps. There's bed bugs that weekly spraying isn't getting rid of, and there's eleven-to-fifteen guys living here together, with no coronavirus precautions in place. Half these guys have jobs and regularly get out into the world. So it wasn't a complete surprise when one of them came up positive for COVID. Someone we've all lived with and used the same facilities as. So the Health Department was called in, and now Lazarus House is under quarantine for two weeks. I was just about to be lifted off "restricted" status (you're under house arrest for the first thirty days here). I was just beginning to be given assignments as a "house driver," putting my driver's license to use carting people around from this "treatment center" and the other recovery houses associated with it. Now I'm stuck here a while longer.
But my computer's been fixed! It took a few weeks, but the issue - which was a swollen battery pressing against the mouse pad from the inside - has been resolved. I guess it took them awhile to find a new battery for a Mac this "old" (hey, it still fulfills my needs). As soon as I got it back in my hands, I went to work tweaking and mastering all seven songs for the upcoming The Naked Truth EP, a collection of bare-bones versions of previously-recorded songs including the "Naked" version of "Why Can't We Have Nice Things?" which has only been available as a Snail Tunes-exclusive bonus track until now. I put together an MP3 prototype of the EP and listened to it yesterday, and I uploaded it to DistroKid this morning, slating it for a July 17th release, which is the day the quarantine is supposed to be lifted.
Meanwhile, Mythic Migrations has been available, and I've been trying to promote it as much as I can from my phone, but it's just not the same. I don't have access to all the links on my phone, just what I have the apps for, and my Apple Music has been shut off. So I've been tweeting YouTube, Spotify, and Deezer links, and trying to get back into the habit of doing Facebook posts, but I also hate typing on my phone. So working on my computer right now is a real treat. But I'm using a housemate's hotspot, which I can't do all the time, so my Internet access on the computer is limited. I'll still be working mostly from my phone, but having this blog article published will help immensely, giving me access to copy and paste from the following links, where you can find Mythic Migrations: YouTube and YouTube Music, Spotify, Google Play, Apple Music and iTunes, Amazon, Deezer, iHeartRadio, Napster, Pandora, and TIDAL.
This EP is very much along the same lines as the album Edges. I took some piano ditties and gave them the neoclassical treatment with some strings arrangements, then explored them further with some thrashing electric guitars, off-kilter beats, and strange synths. Of special note is the synth solo in "The Black-Winged Stork;" I don't know where I found that synth or what I did to make it sound like that, but I think it's quite tasty. In these songs, I practiced a few techniques that I was just starting to touch on in The Soul Washer. There's riffs of muted electric guitar guiding the rhythm. There's rapid arpeggios of electronic piano in the background for an electronica vibe, as well as a "grid bass" that rapidly alternates between two octaves with deep electronic pulses. And then there's then there's the "suspense bass" that's a deep buzzing drone riddled with treble distortions. All these techniques add to the industrial vibe of my music, which you're about to see stripped away in The Naked Truth.
Sorry to not go through each song individually with you. Honestly, the writing of them isn't that fresh in my mind anymore, since this was published so long ago. And mostly, this article was meant to catch you up on what's been happening in my life, what's been preventing me from working, and what I'm working on now that I'm able. I hope you've had a chance to listen to the EP and that you've been enjoying it. And I hope that in these times that I'm sure have been trying for everyone, your inner snails remain resilient and determined.
P.S. I've started writing music again, and I recently recorded this song in a single day! I'm very proud of it, very happy to be writing again, and excited to share it! I think this will be my next single. Enjoy!
I can't sleep. I would have gotten this blog article done in advance, instead of doing it in the middle of night night, except I was kind of distracted. I've been having a general dissatisfaction with life and a deep depression, but if I'm honest, it's gotten a lot more specific than that tonight. It's not just that I didn't put an extra effort into celebrating and advocating Women's Day, as I've been such a fierce feminist in the past. It's also not only that I live in a state where Bernie Sanders, the hopeful champion of socialist democrats, lost the primary to Biden. I normally don't want to go into my religious and political beliefs as a public figure, but fuck, they're such a big part of me. And, no, it got even deeper than that tonight. You see, I chose to release this album on the birthday of someone very dear to me, yet we don't seem to be that close anymore. But that doesn't change what they mean to me, and what they reflect of my past life. And I have to tell you, I have some regrets.
My best friend is a female-to-male transexual, and I have no idea what their gender identification is now, but their questioning of gender and exploration of sexual identity had a huge impact on me in my formative years. It led me to question my own gender and realize that, yes, my inner self is most often reflected to myself as female. This led to the creation of the written and stage persona The Lady anoNYMous, whom I was able to perform as in a sleek dress, high heels, and make up in Portland, Oregon, as an advocate of gender awareness and sexual identity. I took to identifying under female pronouns at all times, realizing that, in Portland,, I lived in a place where I was free to present and identify myself as I wished. I didn't have to undergo hormone therapy or sex reassignment surgeries to be a "lady," but I could be the lady that I wished to be. It was understood and respected. I was still pretty "butch" in my flannel, Carhartts, and combat boots, but there was no question in my community that I was a girl, a woman, a lady, and a queen. I was just the "bearded lady" - another freak in a community that understood what it's like to be a freak.
I now live in Central Missouri, where just being an out gay man is tough. I have come to recognize myself as a gay man as well as a transgender woman flirting with bisexuality, so I guess you might call me bigendered. I am flattered when people call me by female pronouns, but understand when they call me male. As to whether I'm interested in men or women, well, I love them both, but have to say my sexual orientation leans toward men. And this is all perhaps more than you'd rather know about me, but let me just say this: my music is a way for me to lay my soul bare, and although it is largely instrumental, it is still a reflection of my identity and my experiences; my struggles and my triumphs.
I mentioned a best friend earlier, who I am now estranged from. They played a huge part in who I've been and who I've become, and now it feels as though a part of my soul is missing. It's confusing. I'll forever identity this person as a soul mate, but we are no longer connected. It's their birthday today. That's why I release EPs and albums on Match 12th. This one very special person who has left a hole in me. I know I normally go through an album's specifics and touch base on each of the songs, but in this case, Edges sort of turned out to be about all our shared history, without me realizing it until tonight when I couldn't sleep.
Each song can be interpreted as a secret you carry with you, or a way you try to liberate and express yourself. It's about exploring your identify and the ways it can cut you to the bone or cut away veils and disguises. From the "Little Boxes" we find ourselves in, with the "Dark Passenger" we carry with us, to the "Beautiful Liar" we become, in a way this album is all about identity. On a more personal level, it's me trying to come back to my identity after almost being pushed back into the closet by rural Missouri. I mean, I just went on my first date in three years, and it was with a closeted pastor who's also the town hermit. He doesn't let anyone know who he really is. Even in this more open-minded day and age, this is not uncommon. I won't be repressed like this. If you want to bother to get to know me, and that also means through my music, then that means understanding I am as queer as an Armistead Maupin character...because us characters are real.
I'm proud to be an openly-gay musician and public figure. But not just gay. Queer. If you squint at me just right, I'm LGBT and Q. I've been hearing a lot of talk on Christian-oriented YouTube lately about how we're threatening the downfall of society. Particularly by a very angry man named Lance Walnau who would have you believe that Donald Trump is the second coming and that the socialist direction our culture is taking is DOOM, and that Trump is the only man who can save us from ourselves. But I think what's really going to save us if we all learn to see each other across a spectrum as fellow humans instead of across a dividing line.
This is how I honor my old friend. By letting them know they didn't exactly change me, but offered me a key to understanding who I was, and that I continue to explore myself with them in my heart. The edges are fine, and they can cut, but they can open doorways. And we've always lived in on the edges of society, teetering on taboo subjects that threatened to split us in half or cut us off from our families and peers. But in my experience, you don't ascend in your knowledge of self if you don't risk getting cut. We may have been cut asunder, my love, but you'll always be a part of me and mean the world to me. Happy birthday.
Happy Valentine's Day! Now, normally I don't celebrate or make a big deal out of Valentine's Day. Normally I don't have someone to celebrate it with. I've been single almost eight years now, but even when I was married, we didn't do much about Valentine's Day. Except, one year, I think we bought Tori Amos' DVD Fade to Red as a present for ourselves. Or, actually, I bought it, since I supported us financially through almost the entire relationship. Ah, but you don't need to hear me reminisce about a failed marriage.
Something I like to do with my musical releases is release them on a special day, to give that day extra-special or new meaning to me. I figured, why shouldn't Valentine's Day be one of those days? I might not get anything for it, but I can give to the world with my music. And it really is the world. My music tends to be listened to more outside of my home country, the United States, than within it. Except there was a curious couple of weeks when my music was being listened to in Branson, Missouri, more than anywhere else on Apple Music. That appears to have been a total fluke, but what on odd one, considering I live in Missouri, and Missouri's taste in music tends to be country, not anything like neoclassical or industrial-metal.
Anyway, this release is partly about changing the meaning of Valentine's Day for myself. And now it will have its anniversary every Valentine's Day, and maybe I'll even celebrate that anniversary with future releases. It's been known to happen. My best friend's birthday is March 12th, and I've put out a couple releases for it - in fact, my next full length album, Edges, is scheduled to come out this coming March 12th. More on that later.
First off, this EP owes its title to the cover piece by Cyril Rolando, "Deviant Insanity."
Now, a couple of these songs go way back. I don't even remember how long ago I started "Grounded and High," but it must have been around a couple of years ago, before I wrote Pattern Recognition. It was just a bass line with some some whimsical synths and a danceable beat that I had sitting on the shelf of unfinished songs for a long time. I do remember that it was an exercise in writing more of an EDM bass line that I ever had before. I guess because it wasn't as "neoclassical" as I had been aiming for, I dropped it for a long time. But one day when I came back it, I couldn't remember why I stopped, and I had a lot of fun finishing it, mostly adding piano, guitars, and length. It's very uncharacteristic of me, and in a way, set the uncharacteristic tone of this EP.
"Love Gravity Power Time" has its roots all the way back in the EP With Love, Catatonia and the song of the very similar name "Power Time Gravity Love." Don't ask me why, I never wanted to attach the words "Alternate Spin" to this title. Instead, I've just changed around the words for its various incarnations, of which there've been a few. First, I gave it an overhaul for the "album version" on Pattern Recognition, "Gravity Time Power Love." I then tried out doing a version of the song that translated the leading cello melody to piano in "Time Power Gravity Love," which is only available as a rarity and bonus track on the Snail Tunes edition of the EP Compromises, which is also how I first made "Grounded and High" publicly available. I guess I wasn't entirely satisfied with the piano I had written, because I went back to the drawing board and rewrote it. Then I found myself adding the cello back in and rewriting the violin and viola, and I added some upright bass to the song's "trip-hop interlude," which carried over into the rest of the song. And that's how I ended up with, "Love Gravity Power Time," which I think I like better than any other version so far.
"Passion on a Screen" was, funnily enough, originally inspired by the Collective Soul song "Generate." Rather, it was inspired by the guitar, which prompted me to write the leading synth riff. That almost automatically informed it as an EDM song. There's almost no neoclassicism to this one, just some orchestral strings and some jamming on an electric piano. I'm pretty proud of the electric piano riff, though I have to confess that it really came together with some note-by-note editing after a less complicated version was recorded by me live. This song makes use of the "suspense bass" synth I've recently discovered, and have gone on to use quite a bit since. It's that deep buzz in the background that's distorted by a mechanical treble. I'm trying not to overuse it, but I've gotten a little addicted to it...
I'm also very proud of the rapid staccato cello riff in "Stars Aligned," but this time that was entirely programmed in note-by-note. I can't claim any amazing achievements in dexterity.
"Brazen" is my first attempt at a straightforward industrial-metal track in quite some time, probably since "Roughspun" on the EP Dissonance. It was initially inspired by the Nine Inch Nails song "Burn" from the Natural Born Killers soundtrack. That's where I got the idea to make percussion by synchronizing and layering synths with distorted beats. The electric guitars weren't originally so involved, but became more so as the song evolved, and then it was clearly industrial-metal. Because it's the most "hardcore" song on the EP, I'm thinking of it being the one I send in to radio stations. But again, I'm nervous, because it's so different than anything I've done in a while.
"Little Boxes" and "Little Bat" are this EP's two neoclassical contributions. Because of this, they've gone on to be included on the next full-length album, Edges, which is another mostly neoclassical record - with a lot of industrial-metal influence, of course. I don't know why every full-length album I've been doing is so neoclassical-oriented, except that maybe I want to be recognized as a neoclassical artist. I've often said I want to be Lorenzo Masotto when I grow up. He just put out a solo piano record, which inspired me to try doing a solo piano composition. You might think that'd be simpler than layering several instruments, but I found it to be more difficult, because I was trying to make one instrument an entire orchestra. After successfully composing one such song, I didn't feel the need to do it anymore, so you just get the one at the end of the album. I'm very excited to unveil it to you. The album is thirteen-or-fourteen tracks (I just finished one that I'm not sure if I'll hold onto until a following release or not) and, as I mentioned before, will come out March 12th.
I've mentioned before that I want to put out an EP called The Naked Truth with stripped-down versions of some of my more neoclassical songs. Obviously, this would include - widely available for the first time - "Why Can't We Have Nice Things? (Naked)." I'm happy to report that I'm a step closer to that now with a completed "Naked" version of The Soul Washer's "Faceless Men," which I thought I'd share with you as your bonus song for this article. That conjures up a simultaneously amusing and horrifying mental picture, doesn't it? Naked faceless men... (shiver)
Well, that's all for now. I hope you're excited for Edges, for which I will see you in about one month's time. Until then, may your inner snails remain resilient and determined.
So here we are at the tenth full-length album. I know I said I was going to move on to shorter releases after Black Leather and Sugarcane. My plan was for a seven-track EP...just like Black Leather was supposed to be. But this has been a furious season of songwriting for me. I've been eschewing almost all leisure activity for working on music - it's been my work, my therapy, my coping mechanism, and my relaxation. There's been little else going on. I haven't even been watching my DVDs from the library much, and sometimes I'll get up in the middle of the night and work for an hour or two. And I believe I've been producing very good results. I'm extremely proud of Black Leather and Sugarcane, and now I'm very happy to present The Soul Washer to you as well.
This album's title and cover come from "Song of the Soul Washer" by Cyril Rolando. Usually I use Cyril's work for EP and singles covers, and come up with the the album covers on my own or in collaboration with new artists. But, if you're familiar with Cyril's work, I think you'll agree this is a very unique piece for him, a stylistic departure. It's because of its uniqueness that I've wanted to use it as a cover for quite some time, but it never matched the titles I came up with. So, instead, I just used the title of the painting for the album. I'm sure he won't mind. We've had a wonderful working relationship for years now, and I can't wait to share with him what his artwork helped inspire this time.
"A Positive Spin" is a bit of ambient-pop that reminds me a lot of Radiohead, and was inspired by Thom Yorke and my own older song "The Tranquil Isles." I wanted to write something focused on acoustic guitar with a heavily trip-hop vibe. That ambient-pop style is somewhat carried over into "Death's Chorus Line," which was inspired by some pop song on some TV show - I can't remember exactly what now. Just that the descending four-note piano and accompanying cello were simple and beautiful, and made me want to try just that. The acoustic guitar found its way back in, creating a poppy interlude. It turned out to be a much more cheerful song that I expected, and I named it "Death's Chorus Line" out of a moment of whimsy rather than any sort of morbid visualization. But when I imagine Death having a chorus line of psychedelic characters choreographed to this song, it makes me smile.
"Faceless Men" is darker, and a step back in both the neoclassical and metal direction. There's a few songs with this vibe to them, making this album seem as though it could be a sequel to Black Leather and Sugarcane. I think it's pretty clear when listening to them that they were written close together; they have a similar overall vibe. And "Faceless Men," "Sincerely Cynical," "Thunderclap," and "At the Gates" all sound like they could have been home on the previous album.
Yes, "Faceless Men" is an A Song of Ice and Fire reference, as well as an homage to the Demigorgon of Stranger Things. There's something really creepy about people with no faces as well, something that gives me the shivers every time its used in some psychothriller or horror movie. So, it's sort of a tribute to all of the above.
"Impenetrable Fog" was a shift in piano-writing style, using lumbering chords instead of arpeggios. I also installed a rapid riff of electronic piano repeating in the background in some segments, which is an electronica technique I've been using more and more in neoclassical compositions. You can thank Lorenzo Masotto for the inspiration there. I've heard him use it once or twice, then used it to my own success in "Bare Arms." Now I've also used it in "My Secret Life," and this song.
I think "Sincerely Cynical" is going to be the next song I shop around to radio stations. It's got the energy, the eccentricity, and the metal that I like to share in my radio singles. It also makes use of a synth I've discovered, a "grid bass," that alternates notes at the press of one key, and which I can see as being useful in electronica compositions. I'll try not to overuse it, but I think it's wonderfully energizing and incongruous with a neoclassical style at the same time.
"Recapturing my Grace" is just that: capturing the feeling of putting beauty back into the world, for me. It's also simple, yet graceful, so the name came virtually without thought. I hope it evokes a sense of wonder and of peace.
"At the Gates" reuses some muted electric guitar plucking that I first explored in "Empathica" on Black Leather and Sugarcane, along with some neoclassical piano and trip-hop techniques. The songs could be siblings. And I'd like to say that the title is another reference to Stephen King's The Dark Tower series, but I can't for the life of me think of "at the gates of where?" Hell if I know. Now, "Thunderclap" is definitely another Tower reference. It's the name of a land of desolation not unlike Mordor in The Lord of the Rings. So, yes, there's no sounds of thunder in "Thunderclap," though there are some pretty abrasive synths.
"Indira" goes back to a style of songwriting I used for "Pulsar Song" on Saturn Ascending. Keeping it simple and flowing in the rhythm section, while applying a continually evolving lead synth. In this case it's my trusty "theremin" that begins life as a synth called "50s Sci-Fi" before I twiddle the knobs and dials. I don't know how she got her name or gender, but it just seemed straightforward that she was called "Indira" when I was done. I don't know anyone called Indira, and it's not about any famous person named Indira. It's just who she is.
"Someplace to be Flying" is named after one of my favorite Charles de Lint books, which chronicles the clash and those caught in the middle of two types of animal people, the blackbirds and the cuckoos. The cover painting by John Jude Palencar has also been a continual source of inspiration for me.
I once tried to get away with using Mr. Palencar's artwork for my EPs and graphics, and I even asked permission...after I'd already been using them. Well, I got an angry letter back calling me a thief and making it very clear I was very unwelcome to use his art. My feelings were admittedly a bit hurt for a while after that, but I still love his work. It pairs very well with Charles de Lint. Anyway, this song is sort of my homage to both the book and the painting.
"Bust" is a direct descendent of Black Leather and Sugarcane's "Allure," though a bit more complex. They both have more of a classical freestyle use of piano that doesn't lend itself to formulaic rock accompaniment very well, though I found use for a throbbing bass synth accompanied by a single electric guitar chord in each. I also found sections that lent themselves to strings accompaniment in this song, as well as some "brass" notes here and there (also used in "Allure). It pretty much just progresses wildly and organically, doubling back to previous segments in they seem well-placed. I think it shows off my abilities as a piano composer rather well, unlike any other song, until a solo piano piece that I just finished writing today called "A Little High-Strung."
"Forget Your Fathers" is an exercise again in trying a different style of piano writing, and in making more use of the "brass ensemble." A big inspiration for this song, though you wouldn't think of it right away, was Nine Inch Nails. I can't remember which song exactly, but there's one that makes beautiful use of piano accompanied by a heavy bass riff, and that's how I chose to wrap up the song, after a couple of jazzier interludes. The title is sort of another Tower reference. They make a big deal about not "forgetting the faces of your fathers" in those books. Sounds kind of noble, I guess, but what if your father was an asshole? For all those abusive, humiliating, berating, or just uncaring fathers out there, I say go ahead and forget 'em.
Before I go, I thought I'd leave with you with something kind of fun I worked on amid all this: my own rendition of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata," complete with weird beats, synths, and electric guitars. Now, I didn't have any sheet music for this, and hadn't even heard it in a long time, so I was just going by ear and memory for the main melody, and I just filled everything else in with my own shit. I discovered today that this song is part of the public domain, so I may include it on an upcoming EP. For now, I thought it just might be something kind of entertaining for y'all. If you want a download of it, consider making a pledge at my Patreon, where I think I'll make it part of the selection of rarities for the $1 USD tier.
I hope you enjoy the new album. Next month: a seven-track EP (really, this time!) called Deviant Angels showcasing more of my EDM side. Until then, may your inner snails remain resilient and determined.
I can't believe this is album number nine! I look back, and I've come so far. I'd say my composing has gotten much more skilled and masterful since, say, Occultation, or even Revolutions. It feels like it started really evolving with my sixth album, Dialectical Observations, when I consciously started attempting a more neoclassical tone. In that way, it feels like my sixth album should have been my first, but then we wouldn't have songs such as "Slowly Scooting Closer" and "The Cloud Walkers," and we couldn't have that, could we? No, my songwriting has been growing at its own pace and produced many gems along the way, but it has been growing, and I think with this album I've produced some of my best work yet. When I felt that Saturn Ascending was right up there with Dialectical Observations as one of my favorite things I'd ever done, I felt I was making a major achievement. And now I feel I've created another comparable album.
There's a certain amount of self-congratulating here. I've been incredibly persistent with this music business, and because of that persistence, I've been growing as an artist. I've been doing this for almost five years, at which point I plan to measure my success and think seriously about whether I should be devoting so much time and energy into this. But it's the most fulfilling thing I've been doing. There is more to life than music, however. And there are other career paths that could complement my music. I've thought a lot about a sound engineering school in Arizona over the past couple of years. And I have family that wants me to move to Tennessee. There's also friends that want me to move to Brighton, England. But what I really want is a path that will take me back to the Pacific Northwest, or maybe even elsewhere along the United States West Coast. But I'd need a much more lucrative career for that option. And so far, my music hasn't been making me a whole lot of money. Just enough to keep on publishing it, really. But I always hope that something will give and it will gain much wider exposure and recognition.
I got my 2019 Spotify Wrapped, and that was both encouraging and discouraging. Discouraging because I don't have a ton of followers, but I did reach people in the hundreds across sixty-two countries. If I look at Spotify as only a fraction of my audience, and take into account all the other streaming platforms, then I think I could be moderately impressed with myself. I get weekly feedback from Apple Music, and those numbers always amuse and impress me. My songs get Shazamed quite a bit, and it's funny to me which ones are enjoying the most popularity, because it's often unexpected. Okay, "Fleeting Fractals" is kind of a given, as my most popular song, but "Man Seeking Cocoon"? And "Roundabout"? Those are kind of out of left field.
But this is all numbers. The true measure of my success is that I touch some lives, that my music is genuinely adored by some, and that it fulfills me to create it.
And so here we are nine albums later. This wasn't even supposed to be an album. You know my formula is usually to release two EPs, and then a full-length album. But this has been a busy season of songwriting for me. I had seven songs and the release date set. Those seven songs were "Jade's Theme," "Milkweed," "My Secret Life," "Allure," "Germing," "Causality," and "Discordia." But in rare form, I wrote "Empathica" and "The White Lands" each in one day, and I really wanted them to have a place on the EP. But if it was truly going to be an EP, I should limit it to seven tracks, and so then I would have to choose two to replace. That was proving to be a really hard decision, so I thought maybe I should just release a nine-track album. After all, Dialectical Observations is only nine tracks. But there were also certain songs from the EP Compromises that I wanted to include on a full-length album: "For Simplicity's Sake," "What the Hell," and "Bare Arms." With those three songs, I could have a respectable twelve-track album. So I put it to a vote on Facebook: seven tracks, nine tracks, or twelve tracks. Everyone voted twelve, including my reason for releasing the album on the 18th.
Yes, this album goes out to a special someone, one of my oldest friends and sometimes lover, Bryant Mansell. I love you, man. Happy birthday. Thanks for all the years.
I have to confess, though, that this version of "Jade's Theme" was written for my mom's birthday. There's a longer version of it that transitions from the cello into the usual piano. For the purposes of this album, though, I kept it short and eerie. It seemed strange to me not to transition into something fast-paced and harder hitting, but "Bare Arms" was a natural fit, also being slow and somewhat eerie, and I do believe it introduces the piano and electronic elements of the album rather well. And I introduce the guitars and the more metallic elements of the album next in "Milkweed." After that, the album switches moods from song to song, and I just based the transitions on how well the beginnings and ends of songs fit together.
It may not sound like it, but the inspiration for "For Simplicity's Sake" and "Causality" were actually taken from the same piece of music, a simple piano theme that plays on the DVD menu of season one of Falling Skies. I guess "For Simplicity's Sake" just took it in a lighter direction, and "Causality" in a darker and harder direction.
For this album, I drew inspiration from other songs of mine, sometimes recycling piano riffs. For example, "Discordia" revolves around a brief interlude from "Germing." "The White Lands" comes from the closing refrain of "Empathica." "My Secret Life" comes from the opening notes of "Dark Highways." I don't think of this as regurgitating more of the same. This is more like the further exploration of certain themes. Each of these songs became something completely different than their source material. "My Secret Life" is probably most similar to "Dark Highways," but it goes in a radically metallic direction, inspired by Nine Inch Nails. I also took a page from "What the Hell" and translated the piano to electric guitar in two octaves.
Speaking of which, I remastered "What the Hell" for this album, focusing specifically on trying to clarify that there are two electric guitars in two octaves at work during its initial hardcore burst. I also remastered "Bare Arms" for this album to try and bring out the bass synth a bit more, and an electronic "blat" that inserts itself in lines of the percussion.
"Discordia," "What the Hell," and "My Secret Life" are probably this album's "hardcore" songs. There's metallic elements in other songs, but no straight-up metal interludes. For example, there's heavy guitar in "Empathica," but that's more of a trip-hop song, heavily inspired by beats by Thom Yorke. "Allure" has percussive distorted guitar, but it's definitely a neoclassical tune, with its own trip-hoppy beat and heavy bass synth. "Germing" has an electric guitar solo and a few chords, but is again a straightforward neoclassical ballad. And "Causality" has a hard rock solo, but definitely leans toward darker trip-hop.
If you've read Stephen King's The Dark Tower series, you may note that a few of the song titles are taken from settings in those books. The series got me through one of the darkest periods of my life, when I was largely couch-bound for over a year after an intense hospitalization. They inspired me to release my debut EP on the 19th of February. Well, I'm rereading the series - on the final book right now - and "Allure," "Discordia," "Empathica," and "The White Lands" all owe their titles to settings in the books.
I had this album all set to go by December 5th, hoping to get it into the distributor that day, for a simultaneous release across the board. However, it was not to be. To match the cover art for the "My Secret Life" single, I again commissioned artist Zach Shattuck for the cover art. However, the art wasn't ready by the 5th. I had backup art by Cyril Rolando in mind, but I really wanted "My Secret Life" and Black Leather and Sugarcane to go together. So I decided to exercise patience and let the chips fall where they may. However, when he told me he could have something ready on the 8th, and then the 9th came, I started to panic. He confessed to me that inspiration had failed to strike him, and offered to let me use something he'd already created instead. I told him to send me something that felt like a fit for the album, and this was one of the options he sent me:
When I was going to bring out some purple in the image, he got inspired to play with color filters. He came up with the orange starscape that was used in the final cover, chosen because it's a better color match for "My Secret Life" (and because orange is one of my favorite colors).
That's it for now. I already have seven songs written toward a new EP, though not all of them may be included, and others may be written. I've been finishing songs almost within twenty-four hours lately, and writing multiple songs a week. At this rate, I could have another full-length album by February! But I highly doubt I'm going to do that. After skipping an EP in favor of a longer release, I think it's time to do something short and sweet. That could be coming to you as early as sometime in January...I'll have to check friends' birthdays. But for the moment, I'm planning on the anniversary of Sunward/Moonward, February 5th. Until then, may your inner snails remain resilient and determined.
P.S. Here's a bonus song guaranteed to be on the next EP to make you feel a little extra special!
